Paradise Lost
by TheSoulCollector
Summary: Dean's thoughts after 5.17 song fic to Hollywood Undead's Paradise Lost


_So, I know there are Dean girls and Sam girls out there, but I could never choose between the two as I find them both to be so incredibly human and fallible. I think they both understand the things they have done wrong and that is what makes them so great to me because we all screw up, fall and then pick ourselves back up again. So, anywho . . . this is a Dean song fic. The song title is Paradise Lost by Hollywood Undead from the Cd Swan Song....awesome song, awesome cd!! (no copyright infringement intended) Hugs, Ember_

Paradise Lost

_So watch my chest heave__  
As this last breath leaves me  
I am trying to be  
What you're dying to see_

I've tried – God, knows I've tried. Twisted my gut inside out trying to keep my game face intact. Pick myself up. Brush myself off. Move on to the next hunt while trying to stop the Apocalypse in my down time.

I'm tired – more than tired in fact.

I see Sam trying so damn hard, and I know I should feel something – but when is too little too late? He's turned his back on me so many times, how can I bring myself to believe this time will be any different?

I can't.

That part of me is dead –beaten out of me.

_I feel like "Fuck man,__  
Can't take this, anymore,  
This heart, break this."  
This is life that's so thankless,  
How could he just forsake us?  
_

Save him –Save the world . . . I'm just one man – One broken defeated man.

I'd always thought it was me and Sam against the world – I could do anything, endure

anything . . .be whatever he needed – but it was never enough . . . I'm not enough.

_Racist he makes us__  
Hate us he gave us  
Nothing but no trust  
And I am so fucked up_

_So let this gun bond us__  
Lets hide by this lust  
And once we are just dust  
He'll know that he loved us_

My faith and hope was in Sam, but little by little and then in huge leaps and bounds, he ripped me to shreds inside, leaving me to feel . . . I don't know – not lost . . . if I were lost it would mean that I could be found. Not empty, if I were empty I could be filled again – I feel like nothing. A huge vast wasteland of nothing.

_LET IT ALL BURN_

_I will burn first__  
God I've tried, am I lost in your eyes?  
_  
_Just let me burn, it's what I deserve.__  
God I've lied, am I lost in your eyes?_

My whole damn life I've been dangling from a cliff – my only lifeline a fraying rope. Slowly at first its threads unraveled, but grew faster as it weakened with the weight I carry inside my heart. God, I waited for Sam to reach out to me . . . to save me for a change, but it's too late now – my hands have slipped from the rope and I'm falling. And the truth is I'm too tired to care about being saved.

_So take me and make me__  
Weakened and save me  
This hate that you gave me  
Keeps saying the same thing_

_To sing when you hurt__  
To sing when you cry  
To sing when you live  
To sing when you die  
_

They say the people you love the most will hurt you the most, and I believe that's true for both Sam and myself. I'm not blind to the things I've done to him as he is not blind to the things he's done to me.

What's dead should stay dead – those words came from my mouth about myself, but those words didn't apply to Sam – and now he's screwed because of it. Just another kick in my gut for trying to . . . to what? To save him? To give him a chance to live? To have my brother back? I don't know. I wish I did.

_And here at the end_  
_At the end of the hurt__  
All the pain ain't the same  
When it's your turn to burn  
We're the heart for the heartless,  
The thoughts for the thoughtless,  
The lies for the honest,  
We're the gods of the godless!_

_Let it all burn__  
I will burn first  
God I've tried, am I lost in your eyes?_

Servant of God. There's a laugh. I sold my soul . . . did things I can't even begin to be sorry enough for – things that haunt my dreams and all the booze in the world won't wash away those memories – those screams. So why do I get a free pass? I don't deserve one . . . I don't want one – not without Sam. Never without Sam.

_Just let me burn__  
It's what I deserve  
God I've lied, am I lost in your eyes?_

__

So cry 3 tears for me,  
When it's all gone,  
Sing me this song

_So cry 3 tears for me,  
When it's all gone,  
When it's all gone  
_  
_I can not stand__  
Who I am I'm this man  
With this blood on my hands  
In this blood I am damned  
So watch my wings burn  
As they burn in the fire  
I'll scatter the ashes  
Now sing for the choir_

The constant ache in my heart . . . dull, throbbing – God, it never goes away. It hurts to breathe. It hurts to look at Sam . . . my little baby brother. I'd die for him . . . I have died for him. I wanted to protect him. It's all I've ever lived for. Sometimes if I think really hard, I can remember the feel of him in my arms when I carried him from the fire that burned our house down.

He was my responsibility.

My job.

My life – and I failed to save him.

God, Sammy, I'm so sorry . . . .

_Let it all burn,__  
I will burn first  
God I've tried, am I lost in your eyes?_

__

Just let me burn  
It's what I deserve,  
God I've lied, am I lost in your eyes?

_This hate that you gave me keeps saying  
Just let me burn,_  
_Just let me burn_

Did I do the right thing in walking away from Sam? I don't see any other way – I wish to God I did. No matter how I look at it, we're both screwed.

_This hate that you gave me keeps saying__  
Just let me burn,  
Just let me burn_

_Burn__  
NOW  
Burn_

But the thought of him screaming to me as I drove away twists and coils in my gut . . . and maybe it means I'm not dead inside – maybe I'm looking for him to come to me for a change . . . maybe I am looking to be saved after all.

_  
Just let me burn  
NOW  
Burn_

_BURN!_

Please, Sammy, don't let me down again, it would take all that I had left in me if you did . . . .


End file.
